Parenting is hard. The reality is that each child is different, each situation is different, and so what’s successful for one might fall short for another. Which means the inevitability of trial-and-error, on-the-job learning, which means making mistakes. Also, you as a parent are doing this in concert with a team of people (often a spouse, and for sure teachers and relatives) in which you hope that folks are on the same page but too often they’re not, the kids are confused by mixed messages and you feel undermined. Add to this the mixed messages social media, music, TV, and other communications and it can make any sane person wonder just how much influence a parent can have on a kid. On top of all this is the fact that you yourself are in process–you have your own ups and downs–you have your own vulnerable child parts that get triggered by fatigue or worries or hypervigilance or what have you and it can cause you to be missing-in-action when your kid needs you to be present and patient and empathic. 

Parenting is hard. I could go on. But let me tell you about a picture I have:

My wife at the time, Laura, had just given birth. I’m by her bedside, only 24 years old. And I’m holding my newly-born daughter, Sophia (who now is 31 years old). Carefully, so carefully, I am holding her; and for that brief moment in the picture, I’m looking up, and what you can see in the young man’s eyes is sheer amazement and reverence—also resolve and responsibility. That young man who is me will love this child as best as he knows how, and he will do as the great Maya Angelou counsels: “Do the best you can, and when you know better, do better.” 

I already knew back then that parenting is hard. I already knew that things would happen to hurt my daughter—that I myself would bring things into her life that would be challenging—but my primary job would not be to protect her from pain but to teach her how to be resilient, how to learn something good from anything, how to believe in herself in the face of any adversity. 

In the picture, this is what you see. Me at 24, who has just become a parent, standing on what felt like Holy Ground. 

That’s what all parents stand on. Holy Ground. That’s why, despite all, even as the eyes of strangers watch and judge, we jump right in. We dive in deep. We parent for love, as best we know how.

It’s not always successful. “Adults across lines of class, race, and gender,” says bell hooks, ”indict the family. Their testimony conveys worlds of childhood where love was lacking–where chaos, neglect, abuse, and coercion reigned supreme.” “There can be,” she says, “no love without justice.”

How can we fault what bell hooks says here? 

So we must again and again come back to Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can, and when you know better, do better.”

How to stand upon Holy Ground and parent lovingly? How to parent more lovingly? If you yourself are not a parent, believe me, you are still in the right place because you might have nieces and nephews, you might have friends with kids. Definitely, you are in this space right here–this church community space–and whenever we do a child dedication ritual, we are reminded that all of us are responsible for building a community in which children are safe, children are welcomed, and children are lovingly nurtured and affirmed.  

So: How to parent lovingly? How to parent more lovingly?

In fact, more to the point: How to parent lovingly as a Unitarian Universalist? Isn’t that really a better question? Because we are not just any kind of people in this place. We are Unitarian Universalist people…..

Let me share three specific things Unitarian Universalist parents can consider doing to parent more lovingly. Of course there are other things to consider, but three is enough for us right now. 

One thing to consider is this: to leverage the power of ritual in creating more closeness and a sense of belonging. I was reading the other day about the small rituals in our lives that do this wonderfully. The article gave the example of a couple who does this: when one of them travels and the other stays home, the one who stays home will greet the one who returns with a meal of enchiladas. “Welcome Home Enchiladas.” They’ve been doing it so long they forget how it even started. But now it’s just a part of their identity as a couple. 

Do you have anything like that in your relationships? 

But now, since we are talking about Unitarian Universalist parenting of children, let’s look to small rituals that center our religious values. One of these values is certainly that the world is sacred, and another is that it is good to be generous. 

What could a small ritual be that embodies these values even as it strengthens the bond between parent and child?  

What about lighting the chalice as a part of your good morning routine? You can get a chalice for your own home, and you can light it with words spoken together like this: 

Flaming chalice, burning bright, 

now you share with us your light. 

May we always learn to share 

with all people everywhere.

Or, 

Blessings upon you,
Blessings upon me,
Blessings upon every living thing, Blessed be.

Another ritual that comes to mind is saying grace before a meal. The “blessings” saying I just sharred could fill the bill, and so could these words: 

May we hold hands quietly for a moment 

Feeling love flow around us and through us, 

Knowing that as we give love away
There is always more within.

Your order of service, in the “Deep Dive” section, has a link where you can go to find a bunch more chalice lightings and prayers that would be Unitarian Universalist appropriate. 

Children get so much out of simple rituals like this. They really do. Consider a true story coming from the Siegel family of Alexandria, Virginia. They “had started to eat dinner one night when two year old Rebecca, sitting in her high chair, suddenly got very quiet. Tears rolled down her cheeks, while her confused parents and older sister frantically tried to figure out what was wrong. She didn’t seem sick or in pain. The food on her plate was something she liked. What could be missing? What had they done differently? Suddenly, it came to them. They had forgotten to sing grace. By that time, Rebecca’s crying had escalated into loud sobs, but then they subsided quickly as she heard her family begin to sing the familiar tune that usually began their meals. She calmed down and ate her dinner.”

The rituals stick. They will become a part of your identity as a family. A Unitarian Universalist family, centered in the kind of love that’s not just about good feelings but also giving back (not just taking) and service (not just selfishness).   

But now let’s consider a second thing Unitarian Universalist parents can do to parent more lovingly. It’s about being intentional in shaping a child’s character. It means guiding them in ways that develop self-esteem; help them become life-long learners; and enable them to set appropriate boundaries, manage their emotions, and tolerate discomfort. This work is ongoing. 

The work is, in a word, discipline. 

Now, “discipline” is an uncomfortable word for many. Some folks growing up experienced the sort of discipline that was, in truth, cruel and unkind. Others grew up overindulged, without a sense of healthy boundaries. Such distorted histories can make it hard to figure out how to write a new and healthier chapter around disciplining one’s own kids. 

What do you think? 

I believe that parenting is about growing people who can act responsibly and effectively in our world. People without a sense of personal entitlement and an “it’s all about me” mentality. People who are ethical. People who, when they make mistakes, can pick themselves up off the ground, dust themselves off, learn from what happened, apologize and make amends, and do better next time. People like this don’t happen by chance. It requires nurturing, teaching, discipline. I always go back to figure skating as my favorite analogy. It is simply absurd to put skates on a kid who’s never skated before or only has basic skills and say, OK, get on out there and figure out for yourself how to do an axel. What’s an axel? This: 

That’s an axel jump. And what I want to say is that becoming a human with good character is a far harder thing than learning how to do an axel. Yet, so often, our children can be left to figure it out on their own. No coaching, no instruction on how, no discipline. It’s ridiculous! This is not empowerment but abandonment.

If our background was a downright abusive one, we can fall into the extreme of being super-permissive and passive. But that’s not going to serve our children well. We must find the middle way, which offers firm boundaries in a way that is lovingly respectful. “But why can’t I have that new doll?” says the kid. “Because I’m not ready to buy that today,” says the parent. “Why can’t I stay up late to watch the show?” says the kid. “Because that’s the rule in our house,” says the parent. We can draw the line in a respectful manner, without abusing anyone. “Seat belts must be worn in the car and put on before we start.” “In this home, we use words: we don’t hit.” Fred Gosman, author of How To Be a Happy Parent … In Spite of Your Children says, “Kids won’t come out and thank you each and every time you make a decision they aren’t totally fond of….But in their hearts kids know you’re doing your job, just like they are doing their job by arguing.”

But now, let’s turn to the third and last thing Unitarian Universalist parents can do to parent more lovingly. This one rests on the core Unitarian Universalist affirmation that “Justice is what love looks like in public.” Parenting the Unitarian Universalist way means helping our kids to understand that love is not a thing that stays private. Love has public implications. Love works for justice. 

The justice work I want to explore right now is teaching our kids how to notice identity differences and to value them. Teaching diversity appreciation skills. 

Look at all these possible realms of human living! 16 are listed here. National origin, age, religion, appearance, education, on and on. Everyone here could spend time with this map, defining what your particular identities are in a particular realm of life.  

The fact is, way earlier than you’d think, kids pick up on social messages that convey negative bias. Class-based bias, gender identity-based bias, sexual orientation-based bias, ability-based bias, age-based bias, and on and on. But I want us to focus on race-based bias right now. Messages heard at school, messages from TV shows they watch, messages from social media, messages from what’s seen online: they can convey unconscious racial bias. They are caught so easily. Suddenly, white kids feel aversion towards black kids, or asian kids, or middle-eastern kids, and if that comes to light and you ask them to explain, they might not know what to say. They might invent a reason on the spot. It’s unconscious. It’s bias that’s been injected into them. 

Dr. Melanie Killen, Professor of Psychology at the University of Maryland, speaks of a certain unconscious bias study when she says, “What was really interesting … was that the young African-American kids are just much more positive about the potential for friendship. When they’re looking at a picture card of a white child and a black child and you ask them, well, can these two be friends? They’re much more likely to say—in fact, the majority of them will say—yes, they can be friends. Whereas we found a different finding for the white kids. Much less likely to say that they could be friends. It really makes you think about why that is and what goes into that.” That’s what Dr. Killen says. And she does offer an answer: “African-American parents are very early on preparing their children for the world of diversity and also for the world of potential discrimination. In contrast, what we find is that a lot of white parents, they sort of have this view that if you talk about race, you are creating the problem.” 

Isn’t that something? 

Parenting the Unitarian Universalist way, when we are in alignment with our affirmation that “justice is what love looks like in public,” means that parents talk about race with kids. Kids are not colorblind. Not talking about something that is so obvious to them means: it’s bad. That’s how they interpret the silence. When they are familiar with only one race (theirs), the default conclusion is, I can’t trust people who have a different skin color. Not good. Stay away.

If you’ve got kids in our Religious Education program, I’ve got good news. Our RE classes talk about race. They talk about diversity. It’s happening. And here’s something else you want to know about–an exciting new development called “Pint Size Protesters.” It was started by a parent in Columbus in 2020 to share ideas and resources about engaging kids in anti-racism and activism.

West Shore is the host for their first expansion, and we have members Michelle Harper Kowalczyk and Jaime Heidenreich to thank for bringing this idea to Cleveland. Cleveland Pint Size Protesters will begin this January with a monthly “Playdate With a Purpose” for young children and their parents. Keep a sharp eye out for future news about this program. It’s exciting! 

These, then, are the three things: three things Unitarian Universalist parents can consider doing to parent more lovingly: 

1. Leverage the power of small rituals which embody our love-centered religious values even as they strengthen family bondedness 
2. Discipline with firmness and respect, so as to build children’s character and resiliency 
3. Talk about race and racism at home. Disturb the unconscious biases that society puts in everyone’s hearts. Again, not talking about something that is so obvious to kids means: it’s bad. Prepare your children for a world of diversity. 

And remember: ultimately, parenting the Unitarian Universalist way is something all of us do. Even if we don’t have kids. If we are part of this love-centered community, we need to see ourselves as guardians of our young. We need to find ways to nurture our children, as RE teachers and mentors. It can also be as simple as greeting a child in the hallway and treating them with respect. We also need to love the mothers and fathers among us and support them as they stand on awesome Holy Ground. 

We all stand on it. 

It is Holy Ground. 

It is Holy Ground.